There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
