The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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