mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
