well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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