I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
