the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
