I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
