omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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