Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
