he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
