I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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