Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
