I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
