are you so shy because you have an std?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
