insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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