clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
