I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
