Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize