glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
