then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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