I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
