so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
