Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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