News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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