yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
