dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize