Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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