There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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