it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
