Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
