So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
