He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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