Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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