K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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