I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize