Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
