girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
