My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
