Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
