Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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