I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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