Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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