I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
