Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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