I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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