I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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