my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
