she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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