The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
