Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
