New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
