This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
