i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
