you guys were way drunker than both of me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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