please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Alive.
So much puke
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
