u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she was so not down for the gang bang
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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