my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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