so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize