he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
