I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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