apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
