if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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